HolyStarDown (holystardown) wrote in crankdatmanboob,
HolyStarDown
holystardown
crankdatmanboob

Hello Chapter 4

Title: Hello
Length: [4/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae 
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics 
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.


{Chapter 1} {Chapter 2} {Chapter 3}

 


“I don’t think he ever got over it…”

 

“Doctor says he never will…”

 

“No one knows why he did it…”

 

“Just snapped, out of nowhere…”

 

“Never stood a chance…”

 

“Tragic…”

 

January 30, 2003

Entry Forty

 

Just as I expected after my late-night epiphany, Jaejoong perked up when he saw that I wasn’t wearing my glasses today. Actually, perked up wouldn’t be the right phrase for it… his hands practically never left my body. They left gentle touches on almost every inch of my skin, and I let it happen; I didn’t want to stop him. After the severe regression I saw in him yesterday I was willing to go along with anything that kept that beautiful smile on his face.

 

“Micky says that white looks good on you,” Jaejoong said as his hand stroked the white fabric covering my shoulder.

 

“Do you think it looks good?” My eyes were locked on his bright smile, and I couldn’t find it in myself to care about anything else.

 

Jaejoong practically sparkled as words pour from his lips. “Yes I like it a lot,” he said smoothly. “I say you look best in black, but they don’t agree with that.”

 

“Only your opinion matters Jaejoong. You don’t have to listen to them.” See? I can still fit some psychiatric advice into this situation.

 

But Jaejoong paid no mind to it. Delicate fingers trailed down my thigh before his head took their place. It was a strange thing to look at really. Jaejoong was so fidgety and on-edge yesterday, but now… I couldn’t think of anything that looked more peaceful. A gentle heat seeped through my skin from where his cheek laid against me, and I just watched his eyes blink slowly until they finally came to a close.

 

“Did you sleep last night?” I asked softly. It was a lot harder then it should have been to stop myself from running my fingers through his hair as he nodded.

 

“I did,” he answered. “But I stayed up late thinking about you.”

 

I found out what it felt like to have your heart explode, and my smile stretched so far my cheeks hurt. “Really?” I asked, trying my best and failing not sound like the happiest man alive as he nodded again.

 

“It was hard though,” he said after a while, causing my smile to falter slightly.

 

Regardless, I shifted to get Jaejoong’s body closer to mine and wrapped the arm not occupied with his hair around his waist; in return I felt soft lips pressed against my neck. “Do you know why?”

 

A tongue peaked out to join the lips so light and briefly I though I’d imagined it. “They were arguing,” he whispered after licking his lips. “They said you did it on purpose but U-know wouldn’t believe them. He likes you a lot- like I do.” Jaejoong smiled brightly against my skin, but I was confused.

 

“What did I do on purpose?”

 

“Your glasses. You didn’t want to see me yesterday so you wore them. It’s okay though; I wouldn’t want to see me either.”

 

Jaejoong’s comment left me absolutely speechless for much longer than it should have. So many things I could have said passed through my mind, but none of them ever made it out. “Of course I didn’t wear my glasses on purpose,” “I would never not want to see you Jaejoong,” “Why would you think that?” “I can’t stand it when you’re afraid of me.” Nothing but silence.

 

All I could do was run my fingers through his hair until he fell asleep in my arms.

 

February 3, 2003

Entry Forty-Five

 

I don’t think I’ve ever been more eager to go to work on a Monday before. Sure, I love my job (I love just about everything about it,) but I’ve never wanted to be in the office this much. The reason? I can finally start the process of deciding which medication to prescribe to Jaejoong. I know that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing all along, but now I get to make it official- written analysis, phone calls, structured evaluations, paper work and such. I’ve been seeing him for almost a month now, and his condition is pretty mild, so this should be a piece of cake.

 

And maybe I’m looking forward to getting a kiss from him today.

 

February 3, 2003

Entry Forty-Six

 

I was… shocked when Jaejoong came in today. No, I don’t think shocked was the right word for it. I guess it would be easier just to write what happened.

 

He looked beautiful. He always does. Lenses of sapphire covered his dark eyes and a light pink dusted his cheeks as he came in, hands secure behind his back and teeth nibbling at his bottom lip. Right away I knew I needed to change all that, no matter how adorable I thought it was. “Is something wrong Jaejoong?” I asked.

 

He blinked at me a moment before giving an answer, his voice unsteady and quieter than normal. “No, I’m fine. I was just… thinking about you last night and… well… I just thought that… maybe you would… want… this…” My patient hesitated for a second before he slowly brought his hands in front of his body and revealed a small bowl of carefully prepared kimchi.

 

My eyes widened as he held it out to me and his blush darkened. “It’s not very good but I hope you like it because I spent a long time on it and I tried really hard to get it right but I don’t think it worked even though I made sure that I did everything exactly like I was supposed to and I still don’t think it’s good enough for you so… I’m sorry,” he said in a rush.

 

My heart fluttered when he put the dish in my hands anyway. “I’m sure it’s delicious Jaejoong,” I said with a smile. I knew cooking was a difficult thing for him to do; just about everything in a kitchen has a reflective surface. If Jaejoong put so much effort into making something for me... Can I write anything other than a smiley face? J “Thank you.” I muttered. A skeptical glint remained in Jaejoong’s eyes, but his lids still closed and he pressed his lips to mine.

 

The kiss was slow; no tongue, no groping, no anything. He laced his fingers through mine and just stayed there like nothing else existed. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t want to.

 

I didn’t care that anyone could walk into my office at any second and see us together, or that I shouldn’t have been kissing him in the first place. I just wanted him to stay there and for our lips to never part. His soft lips seemed to mold into the frame that was my own, and I swear I got a taste of what heaven is like. We’d kissed several times before, but this was just… indescribable.

 

I don’t remember when it happened, but soon the kimchi in my hand was gone and my arm made itself at home around Jaejoong’s slender waist, caressing his side without a care in the world. I could feel him smile against my lips just before we parted, and it lingered long after even though I stayed too close for him to open his eyes.

 

“You’re beautiful,” I breathed against his skin, my forehead falling forward to gently bump into his. It felt like I needed to say that to him; that maybe if I said it enough he would believe me. Jaejoong was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life and I wanted him to know it.

 

February 4, 2003

Entry Forty-Seven

 

I woke up this morning with a massive cramp in my right arm and a pen stuck to my cheek. Despite having only fifteen minutes to get ready, I made absolute certain that I put my contacts in and, for once in a very long time, I took extra care into looking good today. Jaejoong deserved at least that much from me.

 

February 6, 2003

Entry Fifty-One

 

I couldn’t possibly describe how I feel right now. Jaejoong just left. I’m alone in my office. I can’t stop smiling.

 

Every day brings a new opportunity for him to leave me speechless, and he takes it right up as if he’d always known he could. Of course I’m not complaining… I’ve come to terms with our situation and decided that as long as I don’t let it escalate too far, and as long as no one else finds out about this, I can let him be with me for now. It’s a risky and dangerous and probably crazy move, but I can’t deny what I feel towards Jaejoong anymore. He makes my heart shudder in ways that no other person (especially no woman) ever has. Just his smile turns up the corner of my own mouth. It’s so strange how… without any permission at all… Jaejoong has stolen my heart and become the center of my life.

 

The first thing I smiled at all day was when Jaejoong walked in to my office, slender hands once again held behind his back and bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Don’t listen. It won’t be very good,” I barely heard him mutter, the door finally closed behind him. He shifted on his feet slightly and shot a quick glance to the corner of my office. “They told me not to do it so I thought… if you don’t hear me, it might be okay.”

 

I cocked my head slightly. “Listen to what?” I asked.

 

Jaejoong furiously shook his head. “Just don’t listen.”

 

The corner of my lips turned up into a playful smile and I nodded. “Okay,” I said slowly. Let me be honest for a second; when someone tells you not to do something, it’s human nature for you to only want it more and often do it anyway just because they brought it to your attention. Well, believe it or not, I am in fact human, so my ears automatically sought out the sound of Jaejoong’s voice.

 

He spoke so quietly. “Close your eyes,” he ordered.

 

“Alright.”

 

My world was thrown into darkness, but I heard the ruffle of Jaejoong’s clothes and a short, metallic scratching before a soft melody floated to my ears. “Saengil chukha hamnida… Saengil chukha hamnida… (Happy birthday to you… happy birthday to you…)” he sang- beautifully and quietly- and my God it was over far too soon.

 

The sweetness of chocolate laced with the scent of burning candles drifted to me, making my mouth water and eyes desperate to see the world again. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever wanted something so badly, but I knew Jaejoong was too close to me for it to be safe and for the moment, I had to wait. My sense of time had disintegrated while Jaejoong sang; the song too short, the silence after a suffocating eternity.

 

“You can open your eyes and listen now,” his soft voice finally said.

 

I didn’t hesitate for a second. My eyes gratefully flew open and were greeted with a bright orange glow. Three white candles gleamed at me from a small mound of perfectly sculpted chocolate, their glow illuminating Jaejoong’s closed eyelids.

 

“I’m sorry if you don’t like chocolate…” he muttered. “I just thought that maybe you did because I saw a Hershey bar on your desk but you could have just left it there because you don’t like it but I couldn’t be sure so I just guessed and I didn’t know how old you were so I guess that too and I thought it was thirty something so I put three candles, one for every ten years but-”

 

My breath was lodged in my throat. “How did you know?” I cut in.

 

Jaejoong’s brows knitted together. “Huh?”

 

“How did you know my birthday was today?” I took the cake from Jaejoong’s hands and set it on my desk before caressing his cheek with the back of my hand. “Open your eyes. I want to see you.”

 

His muscles noticeably tensed under my touch. “I can’t.”

 

A light sigh escaped my lips and my hand left his face. Two steps should be enough.

 

“How about now?”

 

Jaejoong’s eyes fluttered open and a smile lit up his face. “U-know told me,” he answered.

 

My mouth opened to say something, but the words I wanted changed on me. “He knows a lot about me,” I said.

 

His smile didn’t falter. “He doesn’t know how old you are.”

 

“Thirty-one…” I muttered.

 

And that was when the wrongness of it all hit me again. Jaejoong was eighteen. I was 31- almost twice his age. Guilt twisted my throat into impossible knots, and I found it much harder to speak than it had been a few seconds ago. “Th-that doesn’t bother you?” I choked out as Jaejoong continued to smile at me.

 

He shook his head.

 

“Not at all?”

 

Again, his head shook from side to side. “Choikang says you’re old sometimes, but I don’t mind. Age is just a number, right?”

 

I couldn’t answer. I just flashed an uneasy smile and thanked him again for the cake.

 

“I-I have something else…” Jaejoong’s face burned a deep red and his gaze dropped to the floor. “Micky said that you would like it… but Xiah doesn’t want me to.”

 

“Do you want to do it?” I asked. “Forget what Xiah and Micky say. The only opinion that matters is yours.”

 

The reaction was hesitant, but Jaejoong eventually nodded. “I want it,” he assured; whether he was assuring me or himself I didn’t know. Determination set in his eyes and they locked on my face again. “Sit down and close your eyes. I need to get close to you.”

 

I have to admit, I was a little shocked by the new authority in his voice, but a shiver went through my body and I did what he said. “Can I ask you what you’re going to do?” A slight smile played on my lips, anticipation for whatever he had in store for me sending electricity to every nerve. I felt Jaejoong kneel in front of me, his hand cradling my face while the other took its place around my neck. His breath fanned out on my skin in strong, controlled gusts before he pressed his lips against mine in a luxurious kiss. I almost lost it right then and there, but I was forced back into reality when the top button of my shirt came undone.

 

I abruptly pulled away from his touch. “Jaejoong what-”

 

“Just relax,” he whispered.

 

Honestly, I didn’t know how he expected me to relax. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have even if I did. The rest of my buttons soon joined the first, and my chest was at the mercy of Jaejoong’s icy fingers. They brushed against my skin in delicate sweeps, sending shivers to every part of my body and blood to parts it shouldn’t have been. All I remember thinking was “Oh no, oh God no…” over and over, but he never stopped. His twisted little game continued down to my belt- one step below- and yet I never tried to stop him. “Please Jaejoong, you don’t want to do this. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself in to,” I pleaded in my mind. Only one word came out. “Jaejoong…” It sounded more like a moan than a protest, but he still paused.

 

“I’ve never done this before,” he admitted sheepishly. His hands traced along the hem of my boxers and I could imagine his dark eyes staring at my growing shame. Feather-light touches teased the clothed skin, my toes curling at the sensations I shouldn’t have felt.

 

“Y-you don’t… have to do this,” I choked out. “You shouldn’t do this.”

 

The hand that remained behind my neck shifted slightly, his fingertips softly stroking my skin. “It’s your birthday. I want to make you feel good.”

 

I could still feel his delicate lips on me long after he left, and every time I so much as think about the cake he gave me I can’t help but shiver. Jaejoong sure can put chocolate frosting to good use when he puts his mind to it.

 

February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty-Two

 

I woke up three times because of my dreams. It’s about 4am right now, so I gave up on going back to sleep. I need to do laundry now anyway.

 

February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty-Three

 

I fell asleep against the dryer this morning, but thankfully the buzzer woke me up on time to get ready for work. And I kind of cheated a bit… I had a piece of cake with my coffee before I left.

 

February 7, 2003

Entry Fifty- Four

 

Jaejoong has a wonderful way of making a shitty day better. Just seeing him smile and feeling his kiss first thing when he walks in makes everything that much more bearable.

 

“Do you feel older?” Jaejoong asked, his fingers lightly pulling on his jacket sleeves. He’d been asking these sorts of off-topic questions all day and ignoring mine, so I decided to play along with it.

 

“Not really.” I laughed a bit and drew a smiley face in my notes. “After I hit thirty I tried to stop thinking about it.”

 

Jaejoong just blinked slowly at my answer, ignoring it as far as I could tell. “Do your parents still love you?”

 

Truthfully, I didn’t know how to react to that at first; my heart skipped beats and the room became deathly quiet. I hadn’t spoken to my parents since college, but that had nothing to do with whether they loved me or not. I’ve just never had time to call. Really. “Why would you ask that?”

 

The failed attempt to keep my voice level seemed to go unnoticed, but at least I got an answer from him. Dark, sad eyes stared up at me as he spoke, and I felt my heart breaking anew. “She doesn’t love me anymore. I got too old.”

 

My eyes burned.


“I don’t think mothers like old people. My first Umma thought I was old a long time ago, and I guess my Umma now figured out I’m old too.” Everything Jaejoong said, (those heartbreaking things) all came out so passively, like we were talking about anything else. I have to admit, I was expecting him to be… much more upset about it. He’d always talked about his (current) mother as someone he didn’t want to disappoint; someone he wanted to be loved by more than anything. But… it was almost like he didn’t care.

 

“Does that bother you?” I asked.

 

His eyes returned to the corner with the tree, and I was half tempted to follow his action. “Not anymore,” he replied simply.

 

“No?”

 

He smiled slightly and looked right at me. “I have someone better to love me now.”

 

Tags: author: holystardown, genre: angst, genre: drama, genre: psychological, genre: romance, length: chaptered, pairing: hanchul, pairing: yunjae, status: on- going, title: hello
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